INTIMACY

Give me beauty, that I may draw Your breath.
Give me joy, to worship You with all that I am.
Peace, wrap me in Yourself and hold me straight up.
Jesus.  I need you here.
Close eyes.  Practice all the stillness of You.
Focus.
On You.  Your face.  Your love.  Your promises.
Feel You coming in behind and reaching 'neath both my arms.
To hold me.  Hold me up,  Lord.
In the sinking,  rejoicing.
In the sorrow,  singing.
Because of You.
Because You are here.
Because You hear me.
I reach my arms now 'round Your neck.
Smother You with a thousand kisses.
My child like faith.
In this small moment.
Simply reaching.
For You.
My Father.
The One Who gave His Precious Son.
For me and for all this.
Thank You.
Eternal thanks.
Lover of my soul.
Redeemer and King.
Savior.

Bernadette

LOST-NESS Monster

"I am the vine;  you are the branches.  If a man remains in me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit;  apart from me, you can do nothing."  John 15:5
"If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in His love."  John 15:10

Oh, don't you love it?  I just thought of it this morning, and at first it made me laugh, then I thought, "HMMM...".   By the way,  is "HMMM... " an actual thought?  Or just a noise in my head?  Contemplating this.

I haven't been consistently in the Word for almost a year now.  No wonder I have been feeling lost.  Undone with out God.  My friend, Pam, has been texting me daily for about two weeks to check on me.  Have I been in the Word?  Have I been constant in my prayers?  Boy-O, has it been helpful.  And I've been rediscovering what it is to be found.  And what a monster lost-ness is.

The monster of living with out being daily washed by the Word and His deep and abiding love for us creeps up, doesn't it?  Subtle.  Slow constriction.  Like those boas whose work is done before their victim even has a clue.  Has a chance.   To not be cleansed by His love letters to us,  and to walk a dirty walk?  Yuck.  To make excuses?  Even honest ones?  Gross.

John 15:5 commands us to remain in Him.  How can I remain in Him if I'm not spending time in His Word?  Isn't that how He speaks?  The Eternal speaks!  To me!  To us!

Given my heart prone to wander, I have always wondered how I can remain in Jesus.  So today....He sends the answer.  Why did I never see it?  Down there in verse 10, still in Chapter 15.  "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love...".  "HMMM...".  The Lord keeps bringing up obedience, and I wonder why.  [I just typed "shy"...and have you ever noticed that both "why" and "shy" both end in the sound, "I"?....  SQUIRREL!]

He has been pressing on this thing for a bit, and I have been ignoring Him.  Waiting for a sign.  Waiting for something to confirm.  Someone.  How is His Word to me not confirming?  Will you obey me in this thing, Bernadette?  Day after day.  Chapter after chapter.  Verse after verse.  Obey.  Obey.  Obey.

OKAY!

And with out grumbling?  With out the lost-ness monster attitude?  But with grace and trust and hope?  Holding His hand?  Following?

Giving all this writing and all this freedom to Him so He can just have it...for His own.  Jesus owns Freedom Journal, and He is asking us to let it go.  OUT.  And, oh dear, with out fear.

Battle stations, everyone!

HMMMM....

Bernadette

One Hundred Words Or Less

Marriage falling apart for years.  Dying its slow, excrutiating, smothering death.  Couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay.  That I wasn't lost.  Alone raising a whole bunch of little kids.  Desperate house wife in small town USA.

Betty Evertz said I might like this church in Billings.  Can I say that God made me brave?  Sat in the back, hiding and weeping.  Like puzzle pieces locking into place, the picture began to take shape for me.  The Word came alive.  He washed my life.  CLEAN!  He flipped it!  And my husband too.  Marriage and kids.

Jesus.  The Man on the tree.  Set me free.

[And this is harder than it looks! :)]

Bernadette

Excercise in Precision

So, a few weeks ago I was given an assignment to write my story of coming to know Jesus, aka, my testimony...in 100 words or less!  Here is what I came up with.  May it be a blessing.

I remember talking about God, praying and going to church as a young girl. 

My Dad died suddenly and "life" became "survival".

For many years I made severely destructive choices.  In my twenties I began to question what life was supposed to be about.

I started a job with three women who loved me SO much.  Their lives, although not perfect, exhibited purpose, joy and peace.

I wanted what they had.  It was a relationship with JESUS.   It wasn't long before I had one too!

Life is no longer about just surviving.  It's about thriving!  It's about JESUS.

So....what's your story??

May these words and this story be powerful and effective in Your Hands, Lord,

Wendy :)

Fishing Men

Hands in sink suds and scrubbing.
Tears start and there is no stopping.
This scraped out hole he leaves.
Leaves me hollow.
My Shoulders catches me at it.
Catches me around the waist.
To hold me.  And hold me to all this.
Heart break in his eyes, and I can see.
No nest can hold back time and change and just plain leaving.
Tears splash dishes
Washing them with sorrow.
Sadness.
Trying to move.
Move on.
Without the Silent Deep in the everyday.
Without his speaking hand on my shoulder.
Without him laughing at my dumb jokes.
Without.  Joshua.
I thought the nets were all cast, you know?
"Cast your cares on HIM because HE cares for you."
But we're still letting them out.
Throwing them over the side of this holy boat.
Letting those nets float out across the wide open sea of his future.
And away from us.
That he may catch men.

Bernadette

CHANGE

This is how it is.  After holy huddle, you leave your heart sitting on the edge of a hotel bed in Butte Montana, and you drive away.  Your life work weeps as you hurtle down the interstate toward...home?  A backward glance in the van.  The remainder of your days looking at you with faces filled with grief.  Eyes red and swollen.  Sadness envelopes us, and the car is weighted with it's heavy silence.   The only sound, muffled sobs and sniffling, seems unnaturally loud in that small space,  and we sorrow together.  This is what it is to be a family.

And now our family is changed.  Forever.  The Silent Deep is released into the world.  He has been launched, and we that remain, launch into a different chapter of the book of Botz.  Upon returning home, we stand around, a bit paralyzed, in his room, in the kitchen looking at pictures of him.  Wondering what life will be with out his presence here.  Wondering what we all will be with out him.  The StrongSoft breaks as quietly as she can.  The expression on her face breaks me again.  My Sarah-girl.

Things will never be the same.  Let us just be.  The only comfort is that our God is good, and He is the God of Joshua.  But it hurts here.  Adjusting.

To all this...this heart breaking change,

Bernadette

Catch It!

She leans her little face full into honeysuckles, and draws the deepest breath.  Yellow petals frame freckles. Eyelashes sweep cheeks and as she inhales all that drama, I can see her heart descending down into wild bouquet.  Beauty being fully admired.  She with her long stems still soil held.  Me watching her.  Smiling.

And that little bird bathing raucously in a mud puddle at the end of the lane.  My window is down, and she is singing and splashing and washing and praising, and "Oh!  This feels GOOD!".

The eleven year old.  Tears.  Tears of joy.  Here is some success.  Some sweetness in what has been a puckered face of sour year.  His sideways glance to see if his dad and I are watching.  And Oh how we are!  A little hope, and who is more proud?

The Silent Deep is smiling today, and we all smile too.  Yes.  Even me.  Even now.  He shows us his Guard backpack, and fills us in on all the details of life about to change everything.  While sitting in his father's chair, he tells me what the plan is, and it makes me want to laugh!  This is AWESOME!

The Strong Soft helps with all the preparations, and I know I am blessed to leave things in her capable hands.  Grateful heart.

Laughter.  The Kind and Compassionate chases his baby sister all over the house, then runs in mock terror as she chases him right back.  He lets himself be caught.  I want to catch him.  Catch all this.  Joy is contagious.

Ah-choo! To you!

Bernadette