I suppose since we are calling this blog FREEDOM JOURNAL, we've got to look at the things that bind us. This is an adventure for me. Sharing that. Usually, I get alone with Jesus and journal. Ink and heart on paper. Not always instant freedom, but always some relief that I have been heard. I write to live, see? And Jesus cherishes my words. THAT is a mystery, and my deepest comfort. I was hoping to share more of what HE has done. Share joy and spread it. The looove.
But here we are, already at the reality. I am bound. Right now, bound to anger, frustration and feeling the weight of users in my own household. I am not finding joy in serving. Rather, I am grotesque in my lack of love. Frankly, I wish everyone in this big old house would leave me alone for five seconds. The StrongSoft fooled me into thinking she was serving me in the tenderest of ways, but now I see she was serving herself. Only. The Silent Deep is being the Silent Sullen. I wish he would smile. At me. The floors are covered in mud. Again. Again to Costco. Again the kitchen needs to be cleaned. I can feel all the tightness of feeling unappreciated under this roof, and I am hurt. The Lord is raising my life and nobody seems to notice. Or care.
Wallowing in self pity, I come to Jesus now. Let Him bring the Water. Let Him bring the Word. As always, when I say these words to HIM, "Jesus, What about ME?", He gives me the picture of Himself COMPLETELY extended on the cross. He answers my question with a question: "Yes. What about ME?" Oh. I'm sure there can NOT be words for what that question does in my heart.
How many times have I lived to serve myself? Only. How many times have I used the Strong Soft to get what I want? How long have I been sullen with the Silent Deep? My own eyes have not met his all day, and certainly not with a smile in them. My kids have seen me choose MYSELF and MINE over and over and over. Lord, please don't let it be too late for them to see. That You are changing me. I know that You are slow to anger and rich in love. I know that You love and accept me. Even the grotesque me. You have forgiven again and again...even the unconfessed. Even the unknown dumb. ME.
Breathe YOU in. Deeply. Hold on. Serving is worship. Sometimes worshiping God is a choice. Remember Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego? Three men making the choice to trust the Lord and not bow to a statue of gold? Fire. Jesus met them there and they emerged from the flame...that MELTS gold without even smelling of smoke. NO WAAAY!
I choose not to kneel down and worship at the bitter statue of Bernadette. Rather, I will trust in God, and see? Already I can feel the grace covering over the entire household of us. I am sorry, Lord. I will trust in You. You are more than enough for me.
Thank You for words, and the cleansing power of Your Word.