Ventilator

Perhaps if I am able to write it down, I won't be stuck.  Wish I didn't need words so much to sort things out.  And why do I need to type it out here?  For all the world to see.  This blight on my soul.  This never ending battle with my stinking, stupid flesh.  Why does the Lord ask us to do these seemingly meaningless things???

Somebody said to me today that everybody is blogging now days, and that it's this mad rage.  The thing to do.  Yet sitting here, still, after all these months, in a giant pool of my own sweat, I think they must be joking!  No way would a sane person do this!  No way...unless Jesus whispered it to them in the depth of their heart.  No way...unless He leaned on them so hard they thought they might break in two.  No way.

So I am out here again. Writing the angst of my heart and simply baring all that is undone.  Angry.  Frustrated beyond belief.  Tired and simply "done".  This is how I come tonight.  And for what purpose???  The thought of these pointless words going out into thin air and taking a piece of me with them, well, it's maddening, you know?  Terrifying.

I tell the Lord, "No.  Not today.  I don't want to write, and I have nothing to say.  I am ugly and ashamed.  Not today."

He asks, (Do you hear me??? The Lord ASKS!) "Will you obey Me in this?".

Even though I swallow them back and try to harden my heart, the tears come.  His love just untangles me like that.  His love is, well, it's rather, unavoidable now isn't it?  His love is so grand that it takes us to the place we need to be.  A humble position.  A lowly spot in life.  A place away from that dreaded question..."What about me?".

And though I want to throw up, even at these words here tonight, I will obey.  I will.  I will myself to obey this Jesus Who poured Himself all out and then said, "COME. FOLLOW ME.".

What is your cross tonight?  Will you pick it up?  Will you follow Him?

Even if it means your whole life is bared and scared?

Like mine?

Bernadette