Monday, November 21, 2011


Grateful now for the thing that can't be numbered with out counting the days spent laying down on the couch, on the floor, in the bed.  The days spent sucking it up to get the job done.  The nights, countless nights now, spent crying in pain, and crying out to God for help.  Oh God, what can You make of this kind of life? And what are we going to do now, Lord? 

How this back has been an issue for everyone inside the walls of this house.  Walls not strong enough to bear the weight of agony, and how I didn't know that I had slipped away.  Twelve years.  Time enough to lose yourself.  Fold up the life, pack those big dreams in an attic box where they gather years of lost hope, and just...die.  But how can a girl live with out dreams?

HE has been with me.  IS with me, and He has used this pain to draw my heart to His.  Close.  Shhhh.  Isn't He something?  Deepest hurt.  Deepest intimacy with Jesus.  And, yes, He has held me, and He has held me together, and I am...grateful.

And now something new.  Some real relief, and actual healing.  I don't know what to make of it, but I do want to shout it out.  I've been seeing Dr. Maurer for, not even three full weeks, and I must count them.  Blessings!  All the things I've done in the last few days that I have not been able to do all together for years:

Cleaning house for eight hours with love and joy and just...happiness.
Baking a turkey, and putting it into the oven by myself!
Two pumpkin cheescakes cooling just now.
Homemade cranberry sauce.
Christmas garland and wreaths all down a country fence.  I did that!
Sore muscles.  Yah!  But back feeling strong.  Yay-er!
Kids looking at me funny.
"Why aren't you on the couch, Mommy?"
Christmas gifts tied in red and green ribbons.
Red the color of HIS blood.
Green the color of new life.
The hope that I might run again.
All this breezy hope.

And me smiling. :)


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