I told her that I couldn't bear to hear it again.
That word scratched so deep in my heart.
I decided that I was going to write about it.
Because I've grown old carrying that word on my back.
How I've heard it from my brother, my friends, my students, my son.
How I feel it going unsaid on a face recoiled.
The way I have cried out to God to make me authentic.
So I wouldn't have to hear it again.
Makes me want to hide myself away somewhere.
Where I can't hurt anyone.
And makes me wonder. Again. Again.
What makes me fake.
And why that word keeps coming back on me.
What kind of girl lives like that for 43 years?
When I see beauty in people all around me.
When I see the gift they are to the world.
And I try to let them know.
That they are a gift to me.
How sometimes that makes folks snarl a bit.
To be seen can be frightening.
And I try to hold on to that.
That fear is phony.
Perfect love casts out fear.
Jesus, please help us all to live more authentic lives.